Odd Ceremony

‘It was an odd way to receive an award,’ I thought. The dimly lit room left a lot to be desired both in ventilation and visibility. The chair they put me in was terribly uncomfortable, I tried my best to adjust without seeming fidgety. I hear they frown upon that sort of thing and I desperately wanted to please the committee.

In the award ceremonies I’d seen on the television, everyone was dressed in tuxedos and evening gowns. They looked immaculate. This was nothing like that. In fairness, I remember being told by mother that I see only half of what’s happening. To which I would always reply, ‘yes… but it’s the best half.’ She would dismiss this optimism as she did all my optimism, constantly warning me: ‘one day life will reveal itself to be not all it was cracked up to be.’ So far, she was right.

'This must be the preliminary rounds,' I concluded. Comforting myself. In truth, I’d often been curious how they narrowed the field to the final nominees.

“Now I know” I mumbled. “Very odd indeed.”

The heavy door in the bare room loudly creaked open. The male and female staffers, Hoyt and Andrews, who’d brought me here entered. The contrast between her beauty, that she obviously was trying to hide, and his off-putting appearance was stark. I stole a couple of looks at Hoyt’s impressive figure that she tried to concealed under masculine clothes that were slightly too big. Her brown hair was tied up behind her head in the plainest manner possible.

The pair sat across the table. I wondered if their seats were as uncomfortable as mine.

I tried not to be distracted by the way the round man in his mid-forties looked at me. I could see he was displeased with my very presence. The feeling was mutual. Perhaps he was supporting another candidate. ‘I have to win him over,’ I thought.

Despite my best efforts, I found myself staring at the man. His pudgy face remarkably displeasing complete with a crooked nose above an uneven mustache. He seemed clammy. It made my stomach turn.

“Are you comfortable Steven?” He asked.

I wasn’t.

“I understand the process is very stringent. My personal comfort is of little consequence to why we are here, wouldn't you agree?” I replied and watched the two evaluators look at each other. ‘Score one for me,’ I thought smiling to myself. ‘They’ve probably never had a candidate figure it out so quickly.’

“Do you remember who we are?”

“Of course, Hoyt and Andrews.” I said, nodding to the woman and man respectively. “A lot has happened, but I have a uncanny memory.”

Another glance between them. I smile. ‘two Points for me.’

“Do you know why you’re here?” The overweight Andrews asked rather hurriedly. I imagined this was because the words were just happy to get away from his face.

“Naturally. My work with the program.” I stated casually.

“Tell us about this program... about the show. What was your role?”

I was floored. I wanted to scream. I wanted to beat Andrews face with a rake; it was bound to be an improvement. But I couldn’t, I sat hiding my shock and offended ego. I fought to keep my composure. ‘These committees like to judge on character as well,’ I reminded myself.

“I was the sole creator and executive producer,” I said gathering myself. “Sure, I had to hire people to help with logistics and what not, but they were not privy to the entire scope of my work. They knew nothing. It was my idea; my plan.”

The pair held a frown. I realized that I was shouting. ‘Damnit,’ I yelled in my head. All this work to get here would be down the drain unless I presented well. I need to present well. I took a few deep breaths.

“I apologize, I know that was not appropriate or professional, … It’s just that I am passionate about my work. And if I am to finally be recognized for my efforts, I feel it would be in the ethical interest of the commendation that I do not share the award.”

Hoyt and Andrews stared back at me, I was unsure if they agreed or not. I had a slight trepidation. ‘Had I made an error? Had I blown it already? Would they dismiss me now ascertaining that I was not award worthy?’ When Hoyt started talking again, I finally allowed myself to breathe.

“Ok. Mr. Broner-

“Steven, is perfectly fine, Ms. Hoyt.”

“Ok Steven. Tell me about your program; the production.”

I could feel my smile stretch across my face. She was on my side. I sensed it earlier but didn’t want to be too presumptuous. Now, I knew; just judging by the way she looked at me. Her tone and demeanor. When we first met, I would have bet the house there was some flirtation among us. Her eyes darted, every so slightly, to the camera. I’d noticed the camera in room earlier but her drawing attention to it… that confirmed even further that she was on my side. She was given me the chance to make my case. I cleared my throat.

This speech would undoubtedly be used to weight the final decision. Logic dictates the committee must be more than just these two. I wondered if it would sully the name of the committee if Hoyt and I dated after this was all over? I quickly put the thought aside. I needed to focus.

I adjusted in my seat.

“The idea was arguably the best I’ve had in a long list of humanitarian and public service efforts.” They looked at each other again, surprise registering in the fat man’s face. “Oh, I’ve tried many ways to up lift society as a whole but I’ve realized, as I’m sure this panel has, you can’t uplift the whole equally.”

“What do you mean by that?” Hoyt interjected.

I was happy she did. The hum of her voice was like a numbing balm soothing the visual scarring caused by Andrew’s face.

“Well Imagine a society or a country unburdened by ignorance, bigotry, classism, violence. How would that society operate and interact with the world? What example could we be? How fluid would our arrangements with each other and mankind be without the snags of prejudice and unbridled self-interest?”

“A well-oiled machine.” Andrews commented as if it was obvious. I was skeptical of his understanding, but I needed him to come around. I knew Hoyt was with me; the more he came around the better. Who knows? Maybe he would even get an invite to Hoyt and I’s wedding. Granted, I would insist he be sat at the shitty table.

“Exactly!” I exclaimed giving a bit more enthusiasm than moment called for. “But to progress; to achieve a level of excellence one must first,“ I struggled for the words this simpleton would grasp, “… cut the fat, so to speak.” Most overweight men his age were very into barbecue and sports so I went with it. “Like an athlete training for the big day… A championship fight, … a 400-meter run. It’s rare you see excess fat on them, thus allowing them to perform at their absolute best.” I tried not to look at his belly when I said this.

“And that’s what your work was? Cutting the fat?” He inquired.

“Oh, it was much more than that. We as a society, are like a chain, we are only as strong as our weakest link, right? Now, every society has its dregs. However, left unchecked… whether through nepotism, indifference or just pure luck they could end up doing well.” Hoyt, my beloved, seemed to understand, but I thought I should continue for the slob. “For example, they could end up financially solvent, which to the uninformed and uneducated appears to be success. Causing more to follow the bad example. Eventually they can even make their way to positions of influence due to being supported by all the misinformed masses who look up to them. While the rest of us are left questioning ourselves. We ask: are they crazy, or are we? Which of us have not watched an election and asked, ‘WHO is voting for these imbeciles?’ Then what do we do? We attack them. But despite popular belief you don’t start at the top, you don’t martyr the man at the peak of the mountain. No, No, you chop the mountain from under his feet then you look him in the eyes. A king without a Kingdom is just a delusional man. Even less than you and I. You see who is more of a liability? The foolish man or the man who supports the foolish man?” I gestured at the obvious answer. Hoyt nodded and even Andrews seemed to have to admit that point. “My show was made to find the worst of us, the ones that give us all a bad name. Those that corrode at the fabric of who we are. The loyal subjects of the delusional man, as it were. Rotten apples must be separated from the bunch or you risk them all. You risk us… ending up like them. “

“So, you came up with a concept for a Television program?”

I couldn’t help but grin wildly at this. I do not consider myself prideful but how could I not be filled with pride. This was my stroke of genius.

“You know back in the day; the dregs of society were ostracized; ridiculed. Crude behavior I’ll give you, but the point was made that they were less than. Nowadays? Hell, we celebrate them. Every looser with a twitter page has the right to an opinion, and heaven forbid if you offend them.” I shook my head at the depravity of at all. "In our aim to be an accepting society we never bothered to look at who we are accepting. Tell me, you ever seen Povich, …or Springer? Well my show was the answer to both. The great eventuality.” I took a moment to once again bask in the intellect of it all. “They came in droves I tell you. All I had to do was put the word out. These, for lack of a better word, ‘people’ came for the prospect- just the prospect of a bit money and being on a screen. They told me stories that would make you sick: The infidelity, incest, bestiality; the guy with the gay mother who slept with his girlfriend. I heard so much it was making me nauseous. That was hardest part by far. Can you imagine sitting across the table from someone, as close as I am to you, who slept with his own daughter? Can you imagine how disgusted you would feel day in and day out.”

For the first time he saw recognition in Andrews eyes.

“This is when I first hired Carol.” Andrews pen moved in his hand as he wrote down the name. My blood began to boil at an alarming rate even for me, despite my best efforts I was afraid it was written on my face.

“However, she knew nothing of the greater work that I was doing. I want to make that clear.” I added.

“We understand.” Hoyt said. She would definitely back me up in voting, I thought to myself. I wondered what we would name our children. “Please continue.” She urged.

“Thank you Ms Hoyt.” I said, once again adjusting myself. The anger from the last minute was replaced by the calm of the next. “They came. They came as insects to rotten meat. They came in masses. And I had the greatest opportunity.”

“Opportunity for what?”

“To make a difference. To incite change. To… cut the fat, ” I reiterated my pervious example so the big man would get it. “…To relieve the foolish King of his even more foolish servants.”

No one spoke. It appears they agreed in at least that much. “By 6am on the first day,” I continued, “The line for auditions was wrapped around the block at two corners... Hundreds upon hundreds. They fell over themselves at a chance to tell their sordid, depraved tales to a national audience, no less.” I paused for a beat. I tried to think of the great Nobel peace prize winners. They didn’t just give the facts. There was an emotional side relatable. You wanted them to win. I tried to harness some of that. Some of the emotion. The moral debate, if there was such a thing.

“In truth,” I began again feigning sentiment, “I was unsure as to what I should do; or what I could do. I was torn up inside. I had gathered these … ‘people’… but I wasn’t convinced. It wasn’t until Harold, that I knew. “

“Harold?”

“Yes. Harold told me a story involving his brother and his mother. A story that I dare not repeat in polite company. However, a story nonetheless that Harold repeated shamelessly and willingly to a complete stranger. A story he wanted to share on-air with Millions of strangers for $723 and chance to be on TV. “

I swallowed trying to get the taste out of Harold out of my mouth. I wouldn’t repeat the story, no matter how much Andrews rubbed me the wrong way, I wouldn’t put that in his head. It would never leave. Honestly, I was never on the fence. It was never a struggle for me to do what was needed.

“Harold showed me that I was heading in the right direction. I will always thank him for that; my first. I approved Harold that morning… and I approved 134 more people that came in after Harold that day. 108 who came in the next day; 154 the day after and so on until I had done enough to earn your recognition… and here we are. “

“When you say you accepted them…” Andrews prodded.

“To be a part of my great work, of course!” This Andrews wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed I was beginning to see. Maybe the lard was blocking blood meant for his brain.

“What happened to Harold? After you approved him.”

“Well, I took him to the back for a ‘test shoot’” I made the obligatory air quotes.

“And then?”

“Well… I removed him from the picture. Thereby increasing the greatness of our society, the greatness of our country.”

“Cutting the fat,” Hoyt added. I smiled and nodded at her. She was quite beautiful even in this atrocious lighting. I wanted to keep professional, but it was her support of my worthy cause. It stirred something within me. And then her eyes. They were piercing black and looked as if they’d seen too much, but somehow remained hopeful. The long brown hair trapped in a boring ponytail, not a stitch of makeup and yet she was enchanting, naturally-

“So, you killed them,” Andrews said harshly. Interrupting my little fantasy. His tone was very distasteful to me. “You took their lives.”

“No,” I said pointedly, “I relieved them of the burden of life. One they were obviously ill-equipped to carry. And in the process, I uplifted us all.”

Andrews groaned loudly at the room frustrated. I’d had enough, I would not have my work be diminished by this lemming. How did even get a seat on such a prestigious board I wondered.

“Whom are you supporting, Andrews? If you don’t mind me asking,” I said, outright accusing him. He’d been against me from the beginning and I wanted to committee to know when they watched the recording.

“Excuse me?”

“You obviously don’t want me to win this year. So, who are you favoring instead?”

“I – wh- “Andrews fumbled to find a response. I smiled. He was visibly caught off guard by my intuitiveness. And it was all on the video.

“Let’s take a break.” Hoyt said. Saving Andrews from further embarrassment no doubt. She smiled and I returned the favor. We knew.

I wanted to remain patient. I felt I had been for the most part, but now the suspense proved too much. They were almost at the door when I broke.

“I have to inquire.” I blurted out despite my better judgement. “And perhaps this is not proper etiquette, please excuse my inappropriateness and ignorance. But which do you work for?” I said. A devilish grin that I couldn’t hold back flashing across my face.

“Pardon?” Andrews said. He was playing hardball I see.

“Listen, obviously I would love the Nobel Peace prize there’s no denying that. It’s always the crown jewel, is it not? Sure, the Nobel is awarded for strides of peace between nations but by ridding the worse of us and making our nation better, doesn’t it compute to better interactions with others?”

Hoty and Andrews stared blankly giving nothing away. They were good. I knew it was a long shot.

“The Conrad Hilton Prize, of course, is more realistic and obvious. I mean at the same time it’s the biggest in the world, the exact verbiage contains the words ‘freedom to think and explore new ideas’” I chuckled to myself thinking of how fitting that description was. A thought occurred to me though, I was unsure if it was possible: Could I win multiple awards in the same year?

“Of course, there’s the Robert F Kennedy human rights more focused our country.” I felt myself rambling to no one in particular. I don’t know why I could never stop myself from doing this.

Andrews stared at me. His body language could easily had been mistaken for hostile if I didn’t know better. He started towards me slightly and Hoyt grabbed his arm. The whole scene seemed quite bazar.

“What is it you think you’ve done?” He asked.

It seemed a strange question. Perhaps I hadn’t been clear enough for tubby.

“Well let’s see. From my notes. I’ve gotten rid of muggers, armed robbers and thieves. I’ve stopped babies from being born with defects due to incest. I’ve prevented girls from growing up not knowing who their father is and following in the example of their promiscuous mothers. I’ve stopped habitual drunk drivers from fatally striking a car with a father of three or running over the scientist who would eventually cure cancer. I’ve cut the drain of our government and taxpayers who subsidize these people taking prolonged money from welfare, which most of them tend to be on, to fund all manner of addiction. That’s I what I did.” I said. My voice had risen, causing a boom in the small room. “And you want to know the scariest part? When I did my research… and I did massive amounts. These were all registered voters. These …’people’… help pick the leaders that represent the rest of us and let me tell you something else. Its far more of them than it is of us. It is far, far easier to be whatever they are, then it is to be an actual functional member of society. You think if the name of the show was ‘Social Responsibility’ I would have received a thousand applicants in an hour? Now, I don’t know what the guy you’re backing did, but I find it hard to imagine anyone having a greater humanitarian impact than me this year.”

Andrews just stared back; baffled and beaten. Finally, the pair exited the room. Strangely, I glimpsed the gun holsters on their hips. What kind of Awards committee needed to be armed? I wondered. Very odd indeed.

---

It took nearly a year of being held in a grimy building filled with potential nominees. I called them ‘the hopefuls.’ If I was to give my honest opinion, most them didn’t stand a chance. I was ushered back and forth from there to the real committee room. There I counted twelve members to my left and one ahead of me, He seemed to be the head. Thirteen. Well, fifteen members if you included Andrews and Hoyt who occasionally showed up and spoke on my behalf, but who’d apparently already cast their vote.

My cheeks hurt from smiling the day that Hoyt took the seat next to the head committee member, who always dressed in Black, and told my story. It was then that I got it! We would name our child ‘Jessie’ if it was a boy. Nice, strong name but simple.

When It was my turn in the interview chair, I gave what my coach would later call a remarkable accounting. At first, the line of questioning sounded accusatory but then I got the gist of it. The debate they seemed to be having was one of a moral nature. It’s a debate I never even considered. Could my work stand up against society’s frail and ever shifting sense of morality. Odd words were thrown around describing me, I wanted to be sure to set the record straight. I did as best I could.

“For success,… true success, there must exist a place where the ends justify the means. Where the values of things are determined by a sliding scale. Ours is a reality in which the goals of a people, exist in perfect opposition of the means by which to achieve them. It is because of these conflicting forces that when a goal is obtained, either by chance or by purpose, it should be admired by all with wisdom of the difficulties navigated. I’ve heard a lot of ‘labels’ placed on me. And although I don’t know what they mean admittedly, I gleam their negative connotation. Why? For cleaning out the classless, delinquent, bottom feeding fish of society. I ask: Who of you, upon discovering an infestation of termites in your beautiful home, wouldn’t immediately seek out an exterminator?” I allowed a moment for the obvious conclusion to be drawn. “I pondered a simple question: Can the goals of a greater, more loving, more peaceful society be achieved without eliminating the minuscule, loveless, violent and inept dregs of the same society? Now idealist will tell you ‘yes.’ History, however, provides a very different viewpoint. So then what? What would it take? Perhaps, it would take a grand effort… a great sacrifice. It would take a man willing to lower and submerge himself into the filthy waters to scrape of the barnacles off humanity’s ship. How then do we regard him when he reemerges? Do we look down on him or do we laude him for doing what none of us are willing? What do we call him? A saint? A humanitarian? A hero?” I smiled at the thought, “I’m no hero. I’m just doing my part.”

It was my finest moment.

---

It took almost a year but finally I was commemorated for my work with a slam of a little wooden hammer. Mother was right though, there was no champagne or evening gowns. I couldn’t even pick my date to accompany me, although she was there. In fact, the only applause I could hear was my own. I couldn’t give the acceptance speech I’d prepared as the only cameras were outside and that was no place to give a proper speech. All those people shooting and flashing lights, I could barely hear myself think. It was the oddest ceremony I’d seen.

I was shipped to the mansion in the countryside where they keep the winners. Security was incredibly tight here as well. My guess was they wanted to protect their most prized citizens. It did have its perks, nonetheless. I didn’t have to work anymore. I was fed and given my own quarters. I had nannies and butlers that brought me pills and waters. And the estate itself was calk full of amenities. A game room, painting studio, library, music room, TV room. It was very comfortable but, alas, there was no trophy; no award.

I figured that couldn’t be it. And if my mother was right about this what else could she have been right about. No, no, I thought. There must be more, perhaps I just have to wait for them to film everyone else before they get to me. I tend to miss little details like that, I don’t even remember the date.

Instead of risking being caught off guard I woke every morning, washed, groomed and put on my tux which I brought with me, every day. When my day came, I wouldn’t be photographed unprepared.

This became my habit. After the first year I did it without thinking. And then one day I saw Hoyt walk in. I hadn’t seen her in over two years.

“Steven, this is Officer Hoyt. She would like to talk to you.” My nanny said in her normal deliberate and monotone way. I assumed she wasn’t highly educated so I tried to be patient with her. Maybe this was as fast as she could get the words out clearly.

“I know who she is,” I said smiling, “That will be all Miss Anderson.”

I motioned to the chair across from me my eyes never leaving Hoyt’s. Her hair was out of its traditional ponytail and showed off its curls that framed her face. Absolutely stunning.

“Officer?” I commented. “Resigned from the awards committee, I see. Not that I blame you… slow as molasses that bunch. I’ve yet to receive my award.”

“errm… Yes… yes, they are.”

“Is Andrews still on the committee?” I was curious.

“No, he’s a cop too now,” I felt it weird that he would choose the same career path as Hoyt, but I was happy he wasn’t slopping his bias around the committee any longer.

“Well, never you mind. I’m glad you came to see me. I’m sorry there’s not much privacy in the winner’s estate, I’m afraid.” I gestured to my surroundings. I leaned in and motioned for her to come closer, “To be frank, I don’t know how some of these guys won anything.” I laughed. “To think Andrews gave me a hard time.”

Hoyt shared in the laugh but only politely. It was clear something was on her mind.

“Well, slow as they are, they finally got around to it.” She said reaching in her purse and pulling out the trophy. I was so ecstatic I was in shock. She handed it to me. It didn’t look how I imagined; didn’t look expensive at all. Point of fact it looked cheap, but I didn’t care. The hard work had finally paid off.

I cried out in glee.

“I finally got it!” I exclaimed to the fellow winners at the estate. They applauded. Well, most of them. It must have been bittersweet for the older guys.

I turned my attention back to Hoyt.

“Thank you for this... But I have to ask.” I started studying her, “If you are no longer with the committee why did you deliver it?”

Hoyt hesitated for a moment.

“I volunteered.” She finally said. I smiled. She looked so much different now out of the office. Even more enchanting.

She adjusted unsurely in her seat before continuing.

“You know a couple of years ago my sister was in an abusive relationship… A real piece a shit man.” She started, “she would show up at my door with black eyes and broken ribs. She refused to press charges so there was nothing I could do. My niece was a witness to it all. It was such a shame. When we were teenagers, she was always so much smarter than me; so much more talented. And then it all kind of went away. Because of this one guy. She dropped out of school when he got her pregnant and didn’t like her getting a babysitter to go back to school because he was convinced, she was seeing someone in college. So, he would beat her whenever he thought she was trying to finish her degree and leave him.”

“I’m sorry,” I said sincerely.

“It got very bad sometimes. But what could I do? So, I sat at home most nights, waiting for the call telling me that she was in the hospital or worse. Then one day… One day, in need of money, he answered an add for a television show. Your show.”

She paused and quickly wiped a tear from her eyes.

“And by the grace of god you accepted him, Steven.” She smiled. Rather she radiated. I could feel the warmth coming off her, “The said truth is. Some people don’t deserve to be protected by the law. And sometimes, very rarely, justice has its way.”

She leaned over quickly and gave me a kiss on the lips. Her hand slightly caressing my face. I had died and gone to heaven. I could hear the nanny protesting in the background, but it seemed a thousand miles away. I forgot about the trophy and awards and the work. In that moment, I was finally vindicated. It had all been worth it.

She got up and was quickly usher away by my butler. They’d convinced me over time, that they knew what was best for me, but I must say I wholeheartedly disagreed with them on this one. I sat there feeling spent. When you accomplish all that you set out to what was left, I asked myself, the kiss from the angel still moist on my lips.

I didn’t move from that position for the entire day. I watched the sun disappear over the horizon and the moon and stars take over its space as if they’ve always been there. Eventually Miss Anderson led me to my bed. I put my award on the nightstand before she tucked me in.

In the morning I woke as I normally do. Out of force of habit I reached for my tux, but the sight of the award statue on my dresser made me pause. Now, that I had finally been recognized for my life’s work, perhaps I would wear something more comfortable. The nanny came in and informed me its was time for breakfast.

“Nice trophy,” She said.

“It is,” I replied, “But it was an odd ceremony, to say the least.”